Gas Station Girl

About two weeks after my Incident At the Pound, I had another experience with helping Citrus County residents get on their feet that I’ll laugh about when I tell my grandchildren about it.  But I’m not laughing now.

So, I show up at a gas station, staying out of trouble (which is rare) and minding my own business (which is also rare).  I’m standing in line to buy a Diet Coke before I fill up, when I see a girl in her mid 20’s crying as she’s using the gas station cordless (landline) phone.  She makes a few phone calls while I’m waiting to pay for my soda, and no one seems to be answering.  Completely discouraged and on the verge of a complete break down, she rests her elbow on the counter and puts her hands in her arms.

Reader, I’ll tell you the truth – it broke my heart.  I had to do something.  (Please, I don’t mind – call me Joe!)

I asked her what the issue was, and she pointed outside to a car that was on the side of the road.  Through the tears, she mentioned that she was out of gas and needed to go pick up her son (who was about 20 minutes away) and that she had called everyone she knew for a ride with no luck.

No problem here – I’d bring her to go pick up the money and then bring her back here to her car!  After I presented the idea, she looked mildly confused but accepted my offer.  I paid for my drink, headed outside, and put $10 bucks in my tank.  Normally, I fill my tank up each time I’m at the gas station, but this time, I knew I was below $40 or so in my checking account.

As I was feeding my car, the thought hit me – “Is her confused look because there IS no money, and I’m going to bring her 20 minutes away to find this out? Heck NO!  I will NOT be duped this time!”  Well, I walked back on inside the gas station (where she was no calmly but nervously waiting), and I presented the new idea.  “Change of plans,” I said, “Let’s push your car up to the gas pump and I’ll put $20 into your tank.”

Her eyes lit up, most likely because she was wondering what she’d do when I realized she had no money.  We walked outside to her car, she got in the drivers side, and I pushed the car the 50 odd yards it had to go to reach the pump.  Exhausted, sweaty and gross, I swiped my card and said, “Alright, $20’s all yours!”

She must have said “Thank you” a thousand times. (Which was refreshing because Shaniqua didn’t say it a single time!)  I smiled with a pride knowing that I’d helped a fellow Citrus County resident out of a bind, and said, “Just pay it forward!  Make sure you help someone else!” That was the end of it!

I walked away, drove home, and took a nap.  Later on that night,  headed out to CVS to buy another Diet Coke.  The $.89 charge came onto the register, I swiped my card, entered my pin, and BAM – “Declined.” What??!  How could that be?  $10 into my tank, $20 into her tank, which means I still had about $10 bucks left in my checking account.  Whatever, I turned red, apologized to her, waved and smiled to all the other people who thought I was a dumbass, and went home.  The first thing I did was pull up my bank account online, and looked at my recent activity.

I quickly learned that this young lady wasn’t going to pay it forward and help another person.  She was going to pay it forward to pay herself.  She didn’t put $20 into her tank – she put over $45. She filled up her tank!  Helping out this girl didn’t cost me the original $20 I deemed appropriate – the girl spent another $25, and then I had to pay a bank fee of $35 because I went negative in my account.

Gas in your car – $10 dollars.
Gas in her car – $75 dollars.
Knowing you helped another human being screw you?  – Priceless.

Just call me Joe – that’s spelled, “d-u-m-b-a-s-s.”

Only in Citrus County.

I spent $75 dollars to fill the tank on a Kia with an 8 gallon tank.

I spent $75 dollars to fill the tank on a Kia with an 8 gallon tank.

Crazy Offerings

One Sunday night, I was riding my motorcycle on the way to a friend’s house in Ocala.  I was cruising down a beautiful (but random) back road trying to find a scenic route, and I  started becoming slightly apprehensive about the looming thundercloud I was about to run right into.  I decided to look for a place to hide out an have a coffee for an hour or two, but where?  I was totally in the back woods!  I passed a gas station, and then up on the horizon saw a church.  There were quite a few cars in the parking lot, and so I decide to stop in and see what time their Sunday service started.

A young lady started her answer to my simple question by saying, “Praise the Lord!  Service starts in 20 minutes!”  I thought, “Uh-oh…”  Against my better judgment, my curiosity won out and I entered their sanctuary – preparing for the worst.

I must say, I was extremely warmly greeted – but I started to think that for whatever reason, the only thing that these people knew how to say was, “Praise the Lord!” Despite worries of H1N1 infection, I shook more hands that night than the president surely ever has.

Well, the service started, and this church had some great music.  The offering went around, and I coughed up a couple bucks to the Lord worth praising, and passed the plate.  Normal, everyday stuff, right?

Wrong.

Towards about the middle of the entertainer’s sermon, he mentioned something about an “Amen” offering. People all around started digging through their purses and wallets, and then holding money up in the air. To my astonishment, the entertainer came down from the pulpit and bolted to the nearest person with cash in the air. He grabbed it and shouted “Amen!”  He cruised at warp speed over to another person holding money in the air, shouting, “Hallelujah!” and the all too familiar, “Praise the Lord” at the next person.

After sprinting around the church and grabbing about 50 bills from different people, he then returned to the pulpit and began counting the money. I couldn’t believe it – in about 5 minutes of sprinting, he pulled up about $203 bucks.  I don’t know what’s crazier – the entertainer, or his church!

I was far too dazed to think about taking out my phone and video taping this escapade, but luckily I got a text message that snapped me back into reality.  I began recording right after the text message, and produced the video below.  I just HAVE to share this craziness!

Now, I’ll warn you – the video is REALLY poor quality, but here’s what happens.  The entertainer has counted the money, and gives it to the usher waiting at the pulpit. You can see the usher walking down the middle isle to the back of the church.  Now, some funny old lady in the back raises her hand, and the entertainer can see that she has a bill in her hand.  In the video, you can clearly hear him say, “If I go back there, it better be good!” and then sprints towards her.  The crowd goes nuts! Before running back up to the stage he shouts, “It’s a $50!”

Jeesh.  I wish I could make $253 in 6 minutes of sprinting around like a maniac… The only way I could is if I used my gun.

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